Connectivity

3/6/15 …

And the thing that made me know we really connected was the first time we hung out, he went through my medicine cabinet and looked at all the prescription bottles on my dresser and goes, “key, are you crazy?” And I said, “I think all of us are a little bit crazy..” So he said, “what kind of crazy are you?” I replied, “depends on the person. But to most people I’m just the weird kind of crazy. I’m the kind of crazy bc of my bizarre thoughts.” He responded, “are you depressed?” And I said “not as much anymore.” I don’t know, something about that conversation made me feel comfortable enough to open up to him. Plus, him opening up to me about his past really put things into a new perspective. I realized I took my life for granted. I took my childhood for granted. I took my birthday parties, Christmases, thanksgiving dinners, my toys, my parents, everything… I took it all for granted. I needed to realize that. I needed to tell my parents and my sister how much I love and appreciate them, because I don’t do it enough. I need to let them in and stop being so guarded. 

Where do I go from here?

3/6/15

What the hell…. I start today with a clean slate of a mind. I’m ready to conquer the day and become invincible to all things negative. I was convinced nothing would get me down. I finally achieved A peace of mind and then it all came crashing down. It was so much negativity all at once being dumped upon me. I still don’t even know how to process it. The lies, the betrayal, the manipulation… I felt foolish. I felt weak. I felt as though everything was set on bringing me down, as if the universe just did not want me to be happy. I honestly feel as though work is not a good environment for me. Ever since I’ve gotten a control on things in my life, work has always been the place that brought me down. Theres always something going on, always some pointless drama, always being called into the office. I love my job and I love the customers that come into the store and open themselves up to me, so I can provide better customer service. I love the pay for my job. I love how much it has to offer, yet every day.. It continues to drag me down. Maybe this is a sign that my time is up at this place. Maybe I’m meant to move onto something better, but what? I keep looking for signs, but maybe I shouldn’t be searching. Maybe I just need to take a moment to pause and open my eyes, to really open my eyes and see things as they are and then I will be led in the right direction. I just want to be content, not even happy. I want to be content. I want to be able to go a day without thinking that my life is not worth living. I want to be able to go months without slitting my wrist. I want to be able to not rely so heavily on medications to keep me sane. Are they really helping me though? Or is it a mental thing? Am I in a better mood, because I feel as though I have a reason to be? Am I happy because I know antidepressants are supposed to make me happy? Is it all just a mind game? Because if the medicines were really working, then my OCD would be under control and I wouldn’t be covered in red marks from trying to pick the skin off my arms, legs, stomach, and face. If the meds were working, I would not have felt like my life was too pointless to continue on. So many questions. Half the meds i take, I honestly don’t even remember why I take them. 

Anyways, back to the negativity at work. I really just broke down. I hate breaking down at work. I came home and I just knew, I just needed to sleep it off. These feelings will be temporary and sleep will delay the negative thoughts about myself and I will wake up with a new perspective. Plus, typing out my thoughts kind of help as well which is why I always sound so confused. The more something comes off my chest, the more I realize that maybe it isn’t worth stressing over. 

I just can’t believe Pops fucking betrayed me. I really looked up to him as a father figure. I feel as though I always trust the wrong people. I need to be careful who I open up to, because some people only want to lend an ear until they find something useful to use against you. I have the worst trust issues. I trust the ones I shouldn’t and put a guard up against the people who may actually be genuine. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to find someone to confide in. Maybe I just need to confide in myself and only myself. Maybe I should confide in my therapist more than “friends.” What are friends anyways? I’m just going to call people puzzle pieces. That’s all everyone really is. We are just some piece of a story for someone’s life and we don’t know what the bigger picture will be at the end. I know my story will be amazing. I know all this turmoil will lead to something beautiful. I just have to remain open minded and hopeful. In order to receive positivity into your life, you need to eject it out. So I will end this entry with this.. 

“The battle you are going through is not fueled by the words or actions of others; it is fueled by the mind that gives it importance.”

My mind is a mess

3/6/15

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake,” author Elizabeth Gilbert said. “But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Sometimes a soul mate isn’t meant to last a lifetime, sometimes they are only meant to be in your life until they no longer have to guide you in the right direction. It’s all about a journey of self growth. But in order to grow internally, you need help from an outside source. You need someone to light that spark within you. This would be a Karmic soulmate. They only come in your life to bring attention to yourself and once that job is done, they leave. I think it’s so amazing. There’s so many different types of soul mates and so many different types of connections that can be made. The universe is such an amazing place; sending signs from all around when you least expect it. Most people don’t even realize, because they’re so focused on the wrong things but when you really put your mind at ease… Everything becomes clear. 

I talked to B today about how happy I was beginning to feel, because finally I am at a place where I am ok with things not being perfect. I’ve realized there is no reason to stress or be upset or in pain, because all those feelings are temporary and they will go away. But being at peace is something that will last, so impermanent emotions should never alter that. Then I discussed soul mates with her and how I feel as though my nephew and M may be two of my soul mates. My nephew gave me a reason to live when all I wanted to do was die. He taught me how to love and how to be nurturing because I never got that at home. I was raised to be a solid rock, so closed off to everything. So resistant to intimacy and affection. I think M may be a soul mate, because I’ve been trying to find my way to the path of enlightenment and I was juggling back in forth between being happy and being depressed. The book he let me borrow is what really opened my mind to these realizations. I see him as my teacher, mentor, a leader guiding me to a place of pure potentiality. All these feelings and realizations make my heart illuminate with joy. 

I like to share what I’ve learned with Tucker as well. I can see her attitude shifting and her mind getting in the way of her peace of mind. She puts too much pressure on herself about the future. I told her to live in the moment, because it’s always best to stay open minded about the future because the world is full of infinite possibilities. To set a deadline to a goal or to have a certain expectation is only setting yourself up for disappointment. A customer asked me, “what do you want to do after school?” I told him,” honestly, I know what my dream job has always been but when I graduate I’m going to let the universe guide me in the right direction. I’m just trying to live in the moment and focus on actually graduating, everything that happens after will fall into place when necessary. I just want to enjoy my youth.” I think my answer shocked him.