What the hell…. I start today with a clean slate of a mind. I’m ready to conquer the day and become invincible to all things negative. I was convinced nothing would get me down. I finally achieved A peace of mind and then it all came crashing down. It was so much negativity all at once being dumped upon me. I still don’t even know how to process it. The lies, the betrayal, the manipulation… I felt foolish. I felt weak. I felt as though everything was set on bringing me down, as if the universe just did not want me to be happy. I honestly feel as though work is not a good environment for me. Ever since I’ve gotten a control on things in my life, work has always been the place that brought me down. Theres always something going on, always some pointless drama, always being called into the office. I love my job and I love the customers that come into the store and open themselves up to me, so I can provide better customer service. I love the pay for my job. I love how much it has to offer, yet every day.. It continues to drag me down. Maybe this is a sign that my time is up at this place. Maybe I’m meant to move onto something better, but what? I keep looking for signs, but maybe I shouldn’t be searching. Maybe I just need to take a moment to pause and open my eyes, to really open my eyes and see things as they are and then I will be led in the right direction. I just want to be content, not even happy. I want to be content. I want to be able to go a day without thinking that my life is not worth living. I want to be able to go months without slitting my wrist. I want to be able to not rely so heavily on medications to keep me sane. Are they really helping me though? Or is it a mental thing? Am I in a better mood, because I feel as though I have a reason to be? Am I happy because I know antidepressants are supposed to make me happy? Is it all just a mind game? Because if the medicines were really working, then my OCD would be under control and I wouldn’t be covered in red marks from trying to pick the skin off my arms, legs, stomach, and face. If the meds were working, I would not have felt like my life was too pointless to continue on. So many questions. Half the meds i take, I honestly don’t even remember why I take them.
Anyways, back to the negativity at work. I really just broke down. I hate breaking down at work. I came home and I just knew, I just needed to sleep it off. These feelings will be temporary and sleep will delay the negative thoughts about myself and I will wake up with a new perspective. Plus, typing out my thoughts kind of help as well which is why I always sound so confused. The more something comes off my chest, the more I realize that maybe it isn’t worth stressing over.
I just can’t believe Pops fucking betrayed me. I really looked up to him as a father figure. I feel as though I always trust the wrong people. I need to be careful who I open up to, because some people only want to lend an ear until they find something useful to use against you. I have the worst trust issues. I trust the ones I shouldn’t and put a guard up against the people who may actually be genuine. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to find someone to confide in. Maybe I just need to confide in myself and only myself. Maybe I should confide in my therapist more than “friends.” What are friends anyways? I’m just going to call people puzzle pieces. That’s all everyone really is. We are just some piece of a story for someone’s life and we don’t know what the bigger picture will be at the end. I know my story will be amazing. I know all this turmoil will lead to something beautiful. I just have to remain open minded and hopeful. In order to receive positivity into your life, you need to eject it out. So I will end this entry with this..
“The battle you are going through is not fueled by the words or actions of others; it is fueled by the mind that gives it importance.”