The Daily Battle

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel

I struggle every day with getting out of bed. I literally lay in the dark all day with no desire for food or water and I’m completely content with that. The moment I have to get up to take my dogs out or go to work, it’s as if a dark cloud follows me. Honestly, I haven’t gone to work the past two days. I did go today for a few hours but I had to leave for a doctor’s appointment and I never went back. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen daylight and it just felt overwhelming being surrounded by people. I love being home with my dogs, especially Clyde. He never leaves my side and he’s honestly the best service dog I could ask for.

Anyways, I saw my psychiatrist today. I haven’t seen him since July 2016. We discussed previous treatment options and I advised him I did not want to go back on the same medications because I did not feel as though they were benefiting me. He switched me to a new anti-depressant, he says it should help me with my insomnia. It’s only day one so I know it’ll take time for it to actually work but I definitely do not see sleep in my near future tonight. I researched it and it says it typically takes 1-4 weeks to take noticeable effect. I told him I didn’t want to get back on vyvanse or intuniv because it did nothing for me. He says I can’t go back on adderral because it’s destroying the part of my brain that we are working to repair so that sucks. He put me on Wellbutrin (but I was given the generic which is bupropion). I take bupropion in the morning and citalopram at night with dinner. The thing is, bupropion is an anti-depressant that I was prescribed to back in 2015-2016. I had to take it every morning with my lexapro and adderall so I’m not quite sure how this is supposed to help with my ADHD. I took it today and I went into hibernation. I don’t even remember falling asleep, I just remember waking up confused. The side effect of “feeling drowsy” is an understatement. I am supposed to give these meds 60 days to see their effects since I’m going out of the state for work. I really hope it helps. I feel as though I’m running out of options. I have to do another brain test when I return. Last time, I almost ripped the computer out of the wall because it was testing my patience. I swear they set me up sometimes because they know I get easily aggravated when I am forced to stay in a confined space and things do not move at my pace.

Earlier today, I was talking to my mom about my doctor’s appointment and asking questions about our insurance coverage in regards to my medications. She keeps talking about how she does not want me on meds and she refers to them as “crazy meds.” You would think by now she would understand but she still doesn’t get it. I try to open up to her and educate her but, it is like talking to a brick wall. Some people will just always be ignorant.

“The World Health Organization estimates that 121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. I am one of those 121 million people. Maybe you are too. Maybe you know someone close to you who is affected by depression.” I have found great comfort in these inspirational quotes when I have a low day.

* Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

– Helen Keller

* The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

* If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.

– Fred Rogers

Here’s a cute pic of Clyde because he can make anyone feel better.

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