Man of my dreams 

I want to be fine. I try too hard to block myself from my emotions, but some days are just harder than others. A part of me is proud of myself and the growth that has occurred over the past three weeks alone, but the other part of me is disappointed. I’m disappointed because I still let minute things affect my mood when they should not have any control over it. I still allow myself to creep on the past when I should not be concerned with it. I chose to eliminate people from my life, so why do I either allow them back in or hope for them to come back?
I had a dream about him last night; it caught me off guard. The dream felt so real and the emotions felt real, but it wasn’t. A part of me wished it was though, but I don’t even know how I would handle the situation if it did occur. Would I believe the lies? Has he really changed? I want to see the good in people and I know he has a good heart deep down in there somewhere. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that the feelings were only one-sided, and he was never genuine. It’s hard to admit when you got sold a dream he never planned on cashing in on. I get so angry at myself for caring about him. I want him to be successful and I want him to find whatever he feels he is missing that causes him to act out and push people away. I just wish I could be in his life to help him find it, but maybe I was just a distraction just like he was to me. I want to heal the broken, meanwhile I continue to break apart even more to the point where I’m unable to be repaired. I need to let go. I have to stop holding on to something that no longer, or maybe never, existed. 


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