This time to myself and also a push from Brian has caused me to write more and try to express myself again. I felt like I lost myself working so much, because I had no “me time.” I was constantly on the go and a quiet moment to myself just seemed like a dream from another lifetime, so unattainable. I wanted to be great at this career and I sacrificed so much to try to reach the level of success everyone envisioned for me, but at the end of the day I knew that wasn’t what I wanted for myself. As each day passed, I started to ask myself more and more “why am I here? What am I gaining from this? Can I see myself doing this for the rest of my life?” Honestly, I don’t know why I was there. I told myself I loved helping people, and that wasn’t a lie. I do truly enjoy helping people and that is what I want to spend my entire lifetime doing, but I didn’t feel as though I was helping people in the way I was meant to at this job. I tried to lie to myself and tell myself that I was doing good and that I was making an impact, but I never believed it. Every so often I would encounter a family and I would be able to help them in ways I cannot even express in words and that felt good, but it was never an every day thing and I need that spark daily. That spark drives me, it pushes me to keep going because I want to experience it again and again. What did I gain? New friends. I don’t feel as though I gained anything personally from it. I didn’t feel myself grow as a person, I felt myself retreating to my old ways. I started drinking heavily, I was being reckless with no value for my own life, and I was just beyond stressed. My mental health was neglected and that’s not something I can allow to happen because no good comes from being at rock bottom with no hope for better days.
When I thought about doing this for the rest of my life, I panicked. I saw a future of inconsistency and struggle. I looked at the past 3 months I spent at that company and asked myself if I could live another 3 months going through that same exact situation and the answer was “no.” That’s when I knew it was time to let the people who believed in me down, because what they wanted for me wasn’t what I wanted for myself. I needed to distance myself from the toxic environment and allow myself the opportunity to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Now that I have more time to myself, I am able to connect with my emotions more and put my mind at ease.