My car has been packed for a week. I’m so excited and ready to move, but it seems as though life keeps holding me back. Every time the day I had set to leave approaches, something goes wrong to keep me here. The only complication is going to be sneaking out because my parents can’t know I’m leaving or life will only get worse.
It’s funny though, I feel like I’m beaming; as if my aura is a bright yellow. I feel like the sun that reappears after a storm. I feel at peace within, even though everything around me seems to be falling apart. It’s as if I’m standing in the center and a tornado is circling around me, ripping up the foundation I built for a better future. Instead of breaking down with it like I used to, I continue to rise and just slowly start to repair what has now been destroyed. I’m proud of myself. The old me would be drinking heavy trying to drown out my demons and avoid feeling sadness or pain, but now I’m embracing that pain and using it to grow. I wouldn’t necessarily say I am happy, but I am filled with lots of joy. For every bad thing that has happened, I can find something good that has happened as well which is different for me. In the past, I would use my depression and PTSD as excuses to dwell on my failures, to hold on to my hurt. I don’t want to be that person anymore. No good came from living in the darkness. I hurt others as much as I hurt myself and I don’t want to be the source of pain for anyone else. 
I went to an event at MOCA the other day, and it required me to paint. It has been so long since I’ve picked up a brush that it felt so foreign to me when I finally did. I stared at the canvas and I couldn’t think. I felt so uninspired and I felt lost, as if I didn’t know how to move my hands anymore. I was so crippled by my lack of creativity, but then I used that crippling feeling to create something so simple but so meaningful to me. The task was to paint a puzzle piece that would be included in an instillation in the kids zone at MOCA jax. I chose to do a mosaic style puzzle piece because I feel so broken. I’ve noticed the last couple of pieces I’ve done have had that theme to it; being broken. I feel like I’m being held together by faith but sometimes my faith declines as well, sometimes I don’t know what to believe in. Then I ask myself, how can I believe in this or that when I don’t even believe in myself? And I think that may be where the problem lies. I need to work on myself some more and everything else will fall into place. I need to figure out what I want to do, and how I can get to where I need to go. I have no end goal in mind. I’m just wandering aimlessly hoping I’ll stumble upon my path, but it’s never that easy. You can’t want to be successful if you don’t know what you want to be successful at. I really need to sit back and figure out who I am and what I want out of this life, because it would be shame to waste the second chance I’ve been given. 


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