Dear dad…

I hate you.I hate you.

I hate you.

I miss you.

I so badly want to hate you. I tell myself I never want to see you again, but then I get reminded of you and I miss you. It’s hard to come home and see your chair empty.. Your bed hasn’t been slept in since you left. I guess the pain becomes too unbearable, to know she can’t turn over to see you. I bet she misses your snores even though she used to complain about it every morning. 
I used to come home and ignore you, because I couldn’t handle the lectures. I couldn’t carry the title of a disappointment and look you in the face. But now I wish I would’ve stopped for a moment.. Looked into your eyes and saw that you were hurting too. I was so caught up in my own pain, my own turmoil and I neglected you. I expected you to be there for me and I was angry at you because you never were.. Yet I wasn’t there for you either. We isolated ourselves when we needed each other the most; it’s funny how that works… 
I broke down, you know. I didn’t want to admit it hurt. I didn’t want to admit I cared. I fought back the tears so many nights because I needed to be the strong one for mom, but it ate me alive. It still eats me alive. I thought burning every picture of you would somehow erase you from my mind. At first it worked, but it didn’t last. I thought destroying the belongings you forgot would ease the pain. It did, for a little. I got pleasure from watching your things burn; it was cleansing. I knew if you found out that it would hurt you. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to make you suffer. I wanted to punch you, kick you, anything. I wanted revenge. I know now that it wasn’t so much about hurting you, it was more about making you feel what I felt. I wanted you to understand how badly you hurt me. I worshipped you until you became someone else… You became the pain. You were so bitter and negative, it was draining. I judged you for being an alcoholic then I became one. I finally understood why.. The numbness. The feelings become so overwhelming. The thoughts become too dark. You start to question why you’re here, why you stay, why not just take it all away… 
Why not just take it all away?


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