Is it better to be numb or is it better to experience the pain?

I’m heading towards rock bottom All over again. I’m unable to see my psychiatrist and therapist and trying to cope has just became much harder. Life was easier to deal with when I could consume things to block my thoughts. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of working hard to end up losing it all. I’m tired of living. I wish these Xanax would kick in a lot faster, because I just want to sleep and feel as though I’m not alive for a brief period of time. I wish this alcohol would make it all go away. Im falling apart. I need help, but who is ever there when you need them? You start to realize you are forced to battle this alone. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of fighting . I’m just fucking tired.

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