I am human

    I am tired of dealing with people whom devalue my feelings. So many people try to discredit my emotions with my mental illnesses. Since when has it become unacceptable for me to be a human being? I cannot feel hurt, sad, angry or betrayed without people saying I only feel the way I do because of my depression. No, I feel the way I do because I am a human being with real emotions. I know there are times when my moods fluctuate for absolutely no reason, but that should not make people become inconsiderate of my thoughts. Granted I am more sensitive to things and my anxiety tends to make me feel as though the whole world is out to get me, but that should not give a person the right to discredit me.   I get sick and tired of people ignoring my feelings of paranoia and fear, by telling me to get over my PTSD. If only it was that simple. I do not choose to have anxiety attacks or isolate myself. I do not choose to discontinue living my life as freely as I used to without worry. If I could become the old Keyona that I used to be, then I surely would but I can’t. The only thing I can do is become a less distraught version of myself. The only thing I can do is pace myself as I recover, but does one really recover? I used to think I was fine until the trial started. The constant reminder and the constant fear of being called to testify terrifies me. Every court update I get forces me to relive that night. I always thought the day the monster was captured, I would be relieved. Instead I have become weak yet again. Weak at the fact that he considers himself not guilty and continues to fight for freedom after he stole mine. Weak at the fact that he could be released back into the world and able to invoke harm upon others. Weak at the fact that I may one day have to be called upon the stand and face him. What if he seeks revenge? What if he tries to take my life again? What if once more the barrel of the gun is back in my face and I do not make it out to see another day? I hate that I am back tracking. I wish I could be normal and I wish I could walk into places at night without constantly looking over my shoulder. I wish I could feel safe. I wish I did not need the comfort of others still to make me feel as though I can live my life. I wish I wasn’t constantly re-victimized. Is there something about me? Do people see the fear in my eyes? Do people see how belittled i have become? What is it about me?

   If I had the resources, I would install security cameras and I would install a panic room. I would not feel the need to write down clues on a daily basis in case something were to happen. I live as though my life is a crime scene and I have to leave a trail of potential evidence to aid an investigation that does not exist. 

   I am also tired of being called crazy. I am the way I am because of situations I had no control over, and that does not make me any less sane. People tend to judge a life they have not lived themselves, a life they could not understand. They have opinions on pain they have not endured themselves nor do they fully comprehend the effects. I tend to continuously find myself alone in this world. I am constantly forced to fight a battle on my own that I feel I cannot win. Sometimes I doubt if I have the strength to keep up the fight. It is hard to look around and realize you have no support system; it truly is. 

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