Why is my life continuously spared?

I have always wondered how one person can face death so many times, yet always be spared ? I just do not understand why I continue to beat death, just to suffer so intensely… I’m tired of suffering. Suicide attempts failed. I am put in front of a gun twice, yet they don’t kill me physically. They have killed me emotionally and mentally; my life is forever altered and ruined but I’m still breathing. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t though. Sometimes, this life becomes too unbearable.There’s many more things that have occurred that I can’t even hear to say aloud or even type, because I continue to act as though they never happened. I don’t want to it admit it; I can’t admit it. I cannot let others know how else I’ve been ruined.

Then my health… There is always something else; a new disease, infection, disorder, and so forth yet never any proper treatment. I have spent years and years being a guinea pig for things that never result in answers. My body continues to shut down, and it excites me. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but I am beyond tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting and losing. If answers can’t be sought, then i can’t be treated and so I think maybe this is the way I am supposed to go out . It’s inevitable at this point. I hate when I cut myself repeatedly and my blood refuses to pour out. I hate when I take pills with alcohol and all it does is put me to sleep, just to wake up the next day with the same burdens. As I continue to suffer, my family continues to show me how little I mean to them. They have not been supportive at all. I had to crawl on the floor to a phone to seek emergency help, as my mom lied on the couch watching me, and yelling about how I’m waking her up. I’ll be hospitalized and they do not even care to come to see me or figure out if I will be ok or not. What kind of crap is that? Why do they deem me unworthy of their love? Why do I continue to cry over a family I never truly had? We were never a “real” family, so why does it still hurt me 21 years later? Why can’t I move on? I cannot wait to get all my money and to just pack up my belongings and escape with my dogs. They probably won’t even notice nor will they care. My dogs show more sympathy over my ailments than my family does.


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