The man I want and the man I need …

I am torn between the man I want and the man I need. There’s something about the one I want that drives me crazy. He excites me, but sometimes I fear that maybe I am enticed by what he offers me rather than his actual self. He offers me an escape. We both have things from our pasts that we would rather run from than continue to suffer from, but is that enough to last? He is also bipolar, and I try to be understanding but sometimes his actions can be so hurtful. I worry that maybe he will switch his feeling for me off as easily as he switches emotions. I am the first girl he has tried to pursue a relationship with since 2009; he tends to scare me when he puts me up on a pedestal. I am just an ordinary girl; I’m not as extraordinary as people try to make me out to be. I just love to love. I try to be the support system that everyone needs. I see the good within people and that’s why I stick with him even if he isn’t the best for me. I know under all the anger and the walls he built up that he has a good heart. I know he is afraid of being hurt, but if given the chance I would help him heal in the same way that he would help me. It was very sweet of him to give me his sentimental gold necklace, because he wanted me to know just how special I truly am to him. It was a big step; I’m proud of him. He has been opening up a little bit more and more each week. I’m patient with him. The only downfall was the fact that he lied to me about having a child. I don’t mind that you have a child, but to lie about your child hurts my heart. In a way, I feel that you are denying your child. He said he never expected to fall this hard for me, and he doesn’t bring just anyone into his daughter life which is why he hasn’t had any relationships in years. I just wish he would have been completely honest from the beginning. If you can lie about that for months, then what else are you hiding from me?
The man I need is all I have ever wanted in a man. We connect emotionally and spiritually. Unlike me and the one I want, we have yet to connect physically but I don’t mind that. I actually enjoy that we have a genuine connection. Don’t get me wrong, I want him as well. When I’m with him, it all just comes so naturally. We have so much in common with one another, and he is such a gentleman. He treats me in the way a woman should be treated. In a sense he’s the perfect guy, but everyone has flaws. His flaws are very minute though. I just fear that the distance and age difference will cause him to realize I’m not what he needs. I sometimes fear that I’m not good enough for him, that I don’t deserve him. It’s rare for a good thing to happen in life and actually last. I yearn for his touch every day though. I miss holding his hand while I drive. I miss laying my head on his chest and dozing off to the rhythm of his heart. I miss his gentle kisses, and his soft spoken words. I miss staring up into the sky as I try to look into his eyes (he’s tall like a skyscraper). Our connection is more intimate. I like the way he just stares at me mesmerized. I feel like he truly sees me for who I am, yet I know he doesn’t know all of me yet and that’s what scares me. He’s old enough to where he is more put together than I am, and I want to be who he needs me to be. He was supposed to visit, but never showed up and since then he has been distant. I know he works a lot, but it’s different from how things have always been so that concerns me. Maybe who I need to choose in this battle is the third person, myself. 

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