What do you want from me?

I never understood my sister and I guess I never will. She gets mad that I am such an isolated person and feels like I shut her out of my life too often. Yet I try to open up to her, and she bashes me for how I feel. She tells me all my thoughts and emotions are wrong. She makes me feel as if I am to blame for being hurt. I could tell her about the things my ex did to me and she would say how I could have somehow caused it by implying this or that, or maybe my actions led to it. If I were to tell her the deepest secret I have, I bet I would be blamed for that too. If I were to open up to her 100%, she would still be unsatisfied . I update her on my depression and she tells me it’s all in my head. I honestly start to feel better, then it’s like she pushes me three steps back. I tell her about my cutting and she gets mad at me for not thinking about her kids and the fact that I’m not a professional and could cut too deeply. I don’t even cut to die, I just love the feeling of the blade slicing through my skin. I’m careful, not trying to be professional. If I get too stressed, then it’s my fault for not discussing it to prevent it from getting out of control. If I’m not happy, it’s my fault for not being positive enough to avoid the negative thoughts. I try. I try like hell. I try so hard to be the person everyone needs me to be. I am tearing myself apart trying to make people happy, but all I am doing is making myself worse. I make myself feel like a failure, because I can’t give them what they want. I can’t be the person they need me to be, I can only be me. Yes, I am difficult but I’m loving. I care so deeply about everyone in my life and I may not be affectionate, but I show my love and gratitude in others ways but none of it matters. None of it matters because I feel my pain and I can’t fake a smile 24/7. Basically ranting right now. Why can’t a person just rant without being judged about it? Why can’t I express my feelings? Why can’t I just shout out at the top of my lungs or write/type until my hands go numb and people just fucking accept it?! I’m just trying to live. 


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