Use me… Use me until I’m no longer existent.

5/23/15 11:43PM
You ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex thinking they genuinely want to get to know you. Of course as a girl, it crosses your mind that they just want sex but you try to ignore that. You don’t want to generalize every guy. As nervous as you are, you still take a chance because who knows he could be the man you marry… Or a murderer. I was getting tired of everyone saying I don’t give people a chance and that I have a resting bitch face so I appear stuck up. I honestly just never cared to date or try to put myself out there, but I gave in. I met up with this guy who seemed pretty cool, and we were supposed to hang out yesterday afternoon but I had things I needed to do and then I fell asleep. So he said he would come over and watch movies with me since I woke up so late and was bored. I wasn’t really too concerned because I have two very over protective pit bulls, but as soon as he walked in he kept complaining how he was afraid of dogs and how they wouldn’t stop following him. I should’ve listened to Clyde, because he normally warms up to people quicker but this time he didn’t. He wouldn’t leave my side either, but I listened to my guest and let the dogs out into the living room. Basically, the movies thing was a lie. Yeah we talked about the movies we would watch all day, but I guess that was just to talk. Anyways, am I the only girl that gets so tired of a guy asking for sex that you just lie down and let them do whatever? It’s like you start to feel dumb for being so naive and you just give them what they want to make them leave faster.. I eventually stopped replying and I lied down on my bed and let him to whatever. I just waited there until he was finally fucking done. No sound, no movement, just enjoying another episode of Law & Order: SVU and thinking about what I want to wear tomorrow. I cherished my body. I viewed myself as someone sacred until my ex took my virginity then made me feel like garbage. I don’t sleep around with a bunch of guys, but I just mean tonight I didn’t care that someone was using me. I didn’t care because my ex had done it to me for months, so what’s the difference? At least he didn’t lie to me and pretend to be someone he’s not month after month.. Even when my ex would ask to “study” or “hang out” when we broke up, I knew exactly what he wanted. One day I even told him I was “beyond exhausted,” because I was working ridiculous hours and just wanted to sleep. He kept trying by giving me massages and kissing all over me, so he asked “are you tired to where you’ll fall asleep during sex?” I said, “No. Even if I did you would keep going anyways because all I ever do with you now is lie there until you cum.” So I lied there, waited, then went to sleep. If I can recognize this about myself then why did I allow it to happen all over again tonight? Life. The complexity of it all. Sex. Love. Success. Family. Friends. Education. Equal rights. I wish I could have one thing that could be simple. One thing I could have and not have to worry about stressing over. 

Going to take a sleeping pill and KO like my pups. 
– the broken girl 

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