I hate when I have a moment where I remember the amount of people who are no longer in my life because of my depression and PTSD. They don’t understand that I can’t do certain things or go certain places because it can be a trigger. They also don’t get the anxiety attacks when I see a person that resembles the guy. it’s also hard for people to handle my emotions. People don’t realize that the things they say or do may not seem hurtful but to me, it feels like a fucking knife through my chest. They don’t understand how upset I become when someone stands me up even when they made the fucking plans and told me to get ready. I start to feel as if the world hates me. I feel like I am worthless. I feel abandoned all over again and I’m tired of it. It’s also rare for me to have moments where I am actually excited about something, so when it happens I would like it to continue making me happy instead of being blown off. I’m a nice person. I’m too blunt for my own good and slightly over emotional (code for totally over emotional) but I’m a nice fucking person, sometimes too nice. People ignore all the good things I do. I’m not asking for them to acknowledge me for it, just don’t act as though I’ve never did anything good like I’m a monster.
So my roommate can’t call off for work but if she gets sick she can leave early. We spent two hours making stuff for her to consume and hopefully throw back up later. It’s rather sad actually, but this is the shit we do. We are those weird ass people. It consisted of tequila, diet shakes, blue cheeseburgers, prenatal pills, fish oil pills, sex body toppings, a mixed drink of basically every liquor, etc. It is so pathetic but also so funny. I can’t believe this is what our lives have become now. I need sleep. I still have a strong disgust towards freckles. He’s no longer my Buddha and I sure as hell don’t like being talked to in a disrespectful manner. You can go be an ass to someone else. You can also go fuck yourself after that. Then choke on your hurtful comments until you gather enough sense to recognize your wrongdoings.
I’m not mad though…. -__-
I would have been more serene but I never made it to the Buddhist temple.
Positives for the day:
– I consumed two whole meals.
– I actually left my house for a good portion of the day.
– I didn’t have any anxiety attacks.
– my mood was a lot better today.
– I reconnected with an old friend.
– I didn’t get drunk. Also my liver has died, I swear it must have.