I’ve been having a rough few days. They mostly consist of me taking sleep pills to make the day pass. I got prescribed ambien and it had me so trippy. I took it more for the trippy effect than the sleeping. I’ll stick to my trazodone though, because tripping is only fun when you have a sober person watching you to make sure you don’t overdose or something.
These past few days I have been so lonely. I know I can be very codependent but it’s so bad right now; I hate every second that I am alone. I would rather drink tequila with my pills and see where that takes me rather than be alone. My roommate and I considered what excuses I could use to go to the ER so I wouldn’t be alone while she’s at work. I really considered it; I’m still considering it. Whenever I’m alone I feel as though I have no one. I feel as if I am unloved and easy to forget. I hate feeling like this. I also hate this Prozac. I was doing so well up until this Prozac was brought into my life. My psychiatrist won’t even change it back to lexapro; so annoying.
I went on a date tonight; really bad. From the beginning it just started to go downhill and I tried to give it a chance. I thought if I sucked it up and continued the date then it would have to get better; I thought wrong. He’s a nice person but, we just didn’t click. We were way too different like we couldn’t agree on anything really. He also spent the entire time in the movies complaining. I get it, the movie is bad but just shut up. I wasn’t a fan of it either but we are already here so just make the most of it. Another thing that got me was how lazy he was. He asked if I could drive him to his car… His car was two rows over. Literally 30 feet. I know we all have lazy moments but, come on. Plus earlier that day he suggested a restaurant next to the theatre and we walked 5 feet and he was like, “let’s drive.” Which involved me driving him to his car then just going somewhere else.
I feel like I would ignore everything I believe in and hook up with someone just to have company. Even if it’s short, it’ll be less time alone. Less time with my thoughts. Less time secluded in my room. Less time thinking of all things negative. Less time questioning my life. Less time criticizing myself. Less time thinking about the way I’ve starved myself the past few weeks. Less time thinking about the way I continued to let my ex disrespect me. It’s funny, he respected me until he took my virginity. After that I guess I was just another notch on his bed post, another “whore.” It still gets to me sometimes, you know. I try to pretend like it doesn’t because you can’t change what has already been done but damn… I was saving myself for marriage and I was so naive and let a guy tell me all the right things and I let it all go. I shared a part of myself that I can never get back. I thought I trusted him, but I never even really knew him. Everything he told me then contradicts everything he says now. I think that’s what hurts the most… Thinking you know someone then realizing you were just another pawn in his game. I feel like an idiot. I let this guy talk me out of using condoms because he said he couldn’t feel anything with them. Then one time the condom broke so he said he will just pull out and it will all be fine. I feel like that gave him the right to disrespect me; that was me basically saying it’s alright. Sleeping with him after we broke up was another way I allowed the disrespect. I knew better but it felt good to have someone there, to have someone still want me even if it was just pretend. It was nice to act as though nothing happened, as if we were friends. I see things that aren’t really there and it ruins me. I can be so blinded by the idea of what I desire.
Things I hate to ask myself but constantly do:
– would I be prettier if I were skinnier?
– would I be prettier if my hair were longer?
– would I be prettier if my skin wasn’t covered in scabs from my OCD?
– would I be worth it, ever?
– how can I accept myself if everything about me is what destroys me?
It’s sad, you walk into my room and you see 30 different prescription bottles and then bottles of alcohol. When did this become my life? Is this why no one lasts? Because I’m too unstable and I am a hot mess? I just want affection. I just want the soft, gentle touch of someone’s skin against my skin. I just want to feel the weight of someone’s arms around me. I want to feel their breath along my neck as they doze off. I want to hear their mumbles and snores while they sleep. I want to feel the their heart beating against my back. I want to feel. I want to feel…