Once again, I’ve been M.I.A. I really despise when I go days without writing. Every 24 hours there is some situation that has occurred; a situation I’ve panicked about but can barely remember now because of my short term memory. I’ll try to backtrack and discuss the bits and pieces of the events I do remember.
I believe it was Tuesday, April 28th. I had a long day at work and all I wanted to do was go home and catch up on Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t feel as though I was asking for too much at all. Earlier at work, I had two managers make some rude remarks about me and my weight. It seriously tore me apart inside, but I could not dare let them know that. I maintained my cool until I could reprieve myself. This is what happened, I opened that morning and for the second day in a row I was late. So my day was already going south, because my new/old manager was not happy. When we open, we merchandise the new shipment on to the sales floor and sometimes we get some really good deals on designer transfers. My manager and I were in the fitting room and she was naming off designer stuff that had ridiculous prices. There was a St. John’s shirt for like $10, it was insane. Anyways, I kept saying “oh I’ll get that for my sister,” “I can buy that for my sister, that’s her size.” But what did my manager do? She kept ignoring me and offering the items I just clearly stated that I wanted. So I asked her, “why do you keep overlooking me when I’m standing right here saying I will buy them.” Her response was, “this shirt is a size medium, it’s not your size.” All I could think was “bitch……” Then she added, “employees come before customers.” Uhm, alright well last time I checked I was an employee. Basically, she meant managers come first. Anyways, after that remark I was already upset. A few minutes later, another manager walked in with the shirt I said I would buy if Amanda didn’t purchase it. I was like, “what the heck? I told Cece I was buying that shirt if Amanda didn’t purchase it.” All the other manager, Giovanna, could say was, “they just gave it to me, I didn’t know.” Moving forward, I walked her to a fitting room to try on the shirts while I assisted other customers. As I was walking a young woman to a room, Giovanna steps out in the shirt and says, “YOU were going to buy this shirt ??? It’s even tight on me, so why would you want it?” The only comeback I could say without getting fired was, “it’s obviously not for me.” I was beyond livid; remaining calm was the hardest thing of my life. I began shaking, I was so upset. These “managers” are supposed to be our role models; this is not behavior I would want to emulate. I felt as though I was working under the most unprofessional people. She had no right to comment on an item I wanted to buy, or say that nasty comment to me. It was not necessary for her to come out of her room to show me how tight the shirt is. I see myself in the mirror every day, I know damn well I am over weight. I kept repeating “om” as a way to ease myself down, but it was hardly working. I have never wanted to quit as badly as I did in that moment. I wanted to drop my stuff and walk out that store and never come back. It took everything in me to gain control of my emotions. During my lunch break, I went to my car and I just broke down. I cried my makeup completely off; I was so disheartened.
On Wednesday, I was called away into the office to speak with my manager. She told me that I had been written up for saying “hell” on the phone when I called about a lost package. I was in my own apartment, on my own phone, off of work and yet I let one word slip out and they want to write me up saying I was being “aggressive.” It was such bullshit. After my shift, I had decided to buy a free people tank top because the price had dropped on it but when I went to pay it had the original price. So, my manager was called and she told me that employees are held to a higher standard; therefore, I couldn’t get the reduced price even though it was a company wide price drop. I just said, “forget it” and walked out. See, this is what I realized at this place of business. Every decision revolves around who is the favorite or who kisses the most ass. One thing I will not do is kiss ass. I am damn good at my job, and my work will speak for itself. I have regular customers that only come to see me and allow me to be their personal shoppers. I have customers that had been on this journey with me from the very first day I started. When I got home from work that day, I lied down on my bed and stared at my ceiling fan. I had to evaluate my life, my finances, school, and so on. This is the moment when I decided I am going to quit. I realized the work environment was the negativity in my life I could not escape. I dreaded work every single day and I watched the clocked as the hours dwindled down until I was able to leave. How could I concur my depression if the one thing that depresses me the most takes up a major portion of my life?” I went back and forth with decision many times; it was crazy. Quit, move, travel, while still remaining in my online classes at USF. I could do it; I could do anything. This was my plan: move my things into my parents house, use my school refund check to pay the remaining balance on my lease, and use the extra money to travel while completing my class work from all over. I decided I was going to kick my depression in the ass and that I would for once, put myself first. I stopped letting my fear hold me back; this is my life and I will live it. I have never been happier. Just accepting the fact that I was quitting made me the happiest girl in the world. Now, I count down the days until I never have to enter this building again as an employee. No one needs an explanation of my life or my plan for the future. I am doing me, and you do you; that’s all that matters.
I am terrified, but excited about the change that is about to occur in my life. I will miss my new friends, but at least on this journey I can visit my old friends. I want to use this time to discover who I am as an individual. I want to find my inner peace, I want to find happiness. I am growing into a beautiful human being and I am determined to keep this mindset. I can no longer let the medications control my life. I am just hoping this feeling will last. I just don’t want this strength to leave me. I love this me; the less vulnerable me.