The fourth may have been one of the worst days of my life. I started the day with an optimistic approach and I was just so full of joy. I was sharing my kindness, then things just kept trying to knock me down at work. I couldn’t understand it. Why was so much negativity being thrown at me? I started to look at the bright side of things and used that to get me through the rest of my shift. Finally I got off and headed towards the hotel to meet my parents. Then I hear it. *tires screeching* Black dust filled the air and cars started to skid all over the highway because this guy decided to suddenly stop in the middle of the highway. I slammed on my breaks along with everyone else with the hopes of avoiding a terrible pile up. My car starts to swerve and I graze the back of the car in front of me, then my car starts to swerve into the next lane.. All I heard was metal being torn. A truck had swiped the side of my car to the point where my tires were crumbled, my rims shattered to pieces, my side mirror had been removed, and the entire passenger side was smashed in. How could this be happening?! I was so angry. I couldn’t understand why this guy had stopped so abruptly and caused such a mess. Other cars were fortunate enough to swerve in the opposite direction when they slammed on their breaks, but not me. I called my sister in a panic. I was so terrified; I felt as though she would hate me. This is the car she gave me and I was on her insurance. I ended up having to sit in the middle of the highway by the exit 44 sign for almost three hours. A cop was already there when we crashed, but he was helping someone in a car that had broken down so he called someone else to assist us. The highway patrol officer was slower than a turtle with one leg.. He took all of our information, then spent over an hour in his car working on the report. He finally came back and he said, “is a tow truck coming for you or not? You have 30 minutes because I’m not going to wait here all night with you.” I responded, “uhm I don’t need you to wait and I’m on the phone with my insurance company now.” The cop then said, “I recommend you drive your car off the highway to a place downtown.” I looked at him puzzled. Why would I drive my car when my tires just got destroyed? Yeah, I could put on a spare but why would I do that? My car was so damaged, it was incapable of being driven. Even trying to move my car back a little for the tow truck my car started shaking and making scraping noises along the gravel. Anyways back to the cop. Once he returned with my report he told me that the accident was my fault and that I am being given a citation for careless driving. I just stared at him with a blank expression. What the fuck do you mean careless driving?! He seriously told me next time try not to slam on the brakes to avoid the accident and just let it happen. I was in disbelief. My car was fucked on both sides and completely totaled and I was getting the ticket. This guy is the one who was cutting people off and almost caused a collision of more than just my car and the truck, but I’m to blame. I’m the careless one. Now I have to pay $153. I have no car. And I am ruining my sisters record and insurance. I feel like such a burden. My parents had traveled down to visit me and of course as I go to see them I get into an accident. I still can’t believe it actually happened and that I’m the one who is getting blamed. My parents wanted to go out to dinner and I kept saying, “I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat. I just want to die.” My mom became so furious at me. She doesn’t get it. I am curse to anyone that comes near me. I ruin everything or everyone I encounter. I swear so much has happened in six months and I’m just like, “why am I still here? Why am I being punished? What did I do?!” My sister also told me a ticket came in the mail for running a red light, which I still don’t get. Sure it was the traps that got me and everyone else, not stopping exactly behind the line before making a right turn. Welcome to America; the place with the dumbest fucking laws. So now I owe almost $400 in tickets. I still can’t believe I’m the one who gets blamed for the accident while everyone else walks away as if nothing happened. I don’t think I will ever understand this. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do. My car had to get towed to a storage facility until the insurance company picks it up and inspects it. They have to determine whether or not the car is repairable. Back to the eating out with my parents. My mom suggested Chick-fil-A just so we can go back to the hotel, but my dad drove us to outback. I looked like hell. I had dirt from my car all over my white shirt. I was crying the entire car ride, so make up started to run down my face and my hair looked like I got electrocuted. Let’s just say this, the only thing I needed with me was my license. I wanted Tequila and lots of it. Turns out there isn’t enough tequila in the world that can fix this situation.
I am really grateful for my buddha though, aka Freckles. I felt so alone before my parents had arrived to get me, but he was really supportive and there for me even though it was via text. His positive outlook on life is what makes me enjoy his presence very much. I hope to one day live my life as gracefully as he does. He just has so much strength; its as though nothing can tear him down. While me on the other hand is as weak as can be. I’m easily affected by minuscule things. I’ve gotten a little better though, but I still have a long road ahead of me. I feel like every person needs a personal buddha in their life.
What a day… What a day…
The hotel my parents got is like 15-20 minutes from my apartment, so I drove back home for shorts and my life size Olaf. Tre got me the Olaf for my 21st birthday. Every time I cuddle with Olaf, I feel like I’m holding my nephew in my arms. I cherish everything my nephew gives me. I’ve tattooed his letters on me. He is my life. This lady had the audacity to judge me for carrying a life size snowman while she was standing in the corner looking like a prostitute. I mean, you live your life and I live mine. No judgement here. There’s also a Starbucks in this hotel, but this is how you know my depression has gotten worse… I got two free fraps and I still haven’t finished drinking them and it’s been 10 hours. I just can’t even work up enough energy to drink them. I don’t even have a desire for them. This is so unlike me.
I received a very unexpected message last night from my ex. I thought we had finally had an understanding of going our separate ways, but I’m glad he messaged me. When the accident happened, all I wanted to do was call him. I feel like he texted me at a good time though since we haven’t spoken in some time, and today was such hell. I don’t even have the energy to ignore him, so it’s whatever. I just wish I knew what I wanted. I always complain about him being wishy washy, yet here I am wanting him in my life then wanting him to go away permanently. We are just so different and we just clash so much. The disagreements just get so tiring. But when it’s good… It’s real good. Not even in a romantic way, but sometimes we can have a really good friendship. It’s as though none of the drama ever occurred. I just wish it could last. I think we are both two emotional human beings who have a hard time letting things go. I, for one, like to address all problems until I have all the answers and everything is resolved. He, on the other hand, prefers to just drop it and move on. I can’t do that. I can’t just drop things. I need a solution. I have to work towards a solution. His jealousy is annoying too. That’s a topic for another day.
I need my sleeping pill because I slept for an hour, but even then I woke up every 5-10 minutes. I just can’t put my mind at ease. I keep reliving today. I wish my suitcase wasn’t so far and I wish my head wasn’t throbbing so badly. I’m giving in, I’m taking the pill. Hopefully I don’t sleep the day away. Sleep is just the most amazing thing. It’s like being in a coma, because it’s as though you die but you really didn’t. I don’t know. I always feel like I die then resurrect. Goodnight or good morning to anyone who cares to read my thoughts…