I am such a fool. I always tend to think that I have a chance even when I know I don’t. A guy can tell you all the right things and never mean it. It doesn’t matter how pretty they say you are or how many times they tell you they’re attracted to your intellectual mind. I’ve come to realize most guys just care for the sex. This whole time I thought we had this deep connection and he was sent into my life to help me on my Buddhist path by guiding me, but all he was thinking was he could get close enough for me to give it up. It really sucks you know.. I need to stop being so emotional. I feel as though i try too hard to find something I’m missing in everyone. I get so hopeful that the next person that enters my life can help me be happy. I wish I could just find the happiness within myself. What’s wrong with me? My therapist says I’m too co-dependent. She says I need to test myself and actually go places on my own. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to ever feel alone. Some nights I make my friend spend the night with me. He doesn’t mind, he’ll make a spot on my floor and just talk to me until I doze off. Sometimes he’ll even cuddle me and rub my hair until I fall asleep. It’s nice you know, being comforted. It’s nice just to know someone is there with you. I yearn for that feeling; the feeling of companionship. But is that even real companionship? I don’t know what’s wrong with me.. besides everything.
I told my therapist that I believe I have an orgasmic dysfunction. She kind of chuckled because it caught her off guard. I just felt like my poor sex life was more important than my PTSD that day. She asked me why I thought that and how I got the idea to research it. I told her I couldn’t feel pleasure from sex, so I was convinced I didn’t have a clitoris. Then I told her I googled if it was possible to be born without a clit which lead me to research about orgasmic dysfunctions. Apparently stress and antidepressants can decrease sexual interest. My life is an entire web of stressful events. I’m on two different antidepressants, so yeah.. That could be why. She told me that women require a more emotional connection during sex and that I probably wasn’t enjoying it because each time lacked intimacy. For the first time I had to admit to another person and myself that I lost my virginity after 21 years of saving myself, because I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend. I thought he would stop pulling away from me if I gave him the part of me he so much desired. I never really enjoyed the sex and it was very painful. What I hated more was his talking and how boring he was. Turns out intimacy never did develop between us, no matter how much I tried. Also turns out I still ended up losing him, because he kept drifting away from me so I finally cut the rope. I thought it would make the pain subside more quickly.. It didn’t. I thought using him for sex would make me feel better, because I felt like he just wanted my virginity. It made me feel worse. I gave into him three times. I tried to resist, but I tend to be a people pleaser. I would just lie there and focus on something in the room until he was finally done. I no longer had feelings for him and he treated me like shit, so why did I feel as though I needed to please him? I don’t understand myself sometimes or why I do the things I do. Sometimes I feel as though I don’t think. Although it honestly felt like he was more intimate during sex when we were broken up; I hated it. I felt like if we wanted to remain friends and not let the sex confuse us, then we had to separate the two. He couldn’t kiss me like he used to, because then it’s as though nothing has changed.
Today I thought about giving my coworker what he wanted. He wanted sex, so why not just give it to him? I was tired of the sexual tension he had. It has become hard for us to even be around each other because he will get so frustrated, and it’s weird. I am so tired of him talking to people about how badly he wants to fuck me. I can no longer hangout with him because he will just want to cuddle me and whisper in my ear “I want to make you cum.” I didn’t do it though. I just came home and watched Netflix. I need to stop. Sex just complicates everything. Why don’t I care more about myself? I cherished my virginity and viewed it as something sacred. Now that it’s gone, I feel like I no longer value myself.
On another note, I just watched a very good movie on Netflix called Ask Me Anything. It’s about a girl who graduates from high school and decided to defer college so she can figure out what she wants to do. Her advisor told her to start a blog, so she did and she became internet famous basically. Parts of her life I could relate to. Other parts, I could not. She slept with a married man, an engaged me, and her ex. She ended up getting pregnant and was unsure of what to do. There’s just so much to the movie I can’t explain. I didn’t know it was a true story until her actual mom came in at the end and told the story. After her daughter’s last post on her blog she received a call from a blocked number. She got in her car and drove off; she never returned. No money has been withdrawn and her cell phone hasn’t been used. I got chills. I really wasn’t expecting this ending. I’m going to have to research about her case a little more tomorrrow. I hope she is found one day. I feel so bad for her mom, she deserves answers. She deserves to know where her daughter is. I know it’s probably wishful thinking, but I really hope she is still alive.
I have work in a few hours, it’s probably best I try to at least get a nap in. Goodnight to anyone that cares about my thoughts.