Note to an ex..

My thing is that I feel like I had so much trust in you that I felt I could confide in you. I have read so many terrible things about withdrawals and if I would have known beforehand that my doctor gave me the wrong advice then it could have all been avoided. I had a friend that had to be taken to the hospital for suicide watch, because he missed a day. I felt like I was in such a vulnerable state. My OCD had taken control of me. I seriously picked my skin all over my body until I was covered in blood, I bit off a piece of my tongue, and I pulled out some hair. I couldn’t even stop; I felt helpless. I felt alone. This experience is something terrible to go through alone; you feel as though you can’t even defend yourself. I’ve cut since I was 12 and I’ve only had thoughts of suicide once in my entire life and that was when I was 20. Cutting is not a suicidal tendency. You don’t repeat the act daily trying to kill yourself. If I had the desire to die I would slit vertically up my wrists, not on my stomach or legs. Cutting to me feels as good as a tattoo. The way the blade grazes through your skin is similar to that of a tattoo gun. You feel like for once, you have complete control over your pain. Cutting never was something that hurt me, it was something that gave me contentment. And that night, I felt like cutting again because that was one aspect I could control. I didn’t though, but I wanted to. If I could just use a blade for some relief, then I wouldn’t focus so much on picking my skin. People always think if someone is depressed that they want to die. I am so tired of people using a suicidal thought I had against me. Depression is when you have symptoms so severe that it affects your ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and just to enjoy life overall. It’s the numbness you experience towards life. No matter what happens, happiness cannot remain for very long. You can give birth and be happy, but unable to express it. There is no definition that says depression is a person who has suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts come along with self-doubt and rejection; not depression. I opened up to you and told you these things and I felt like you were just throwing it in my face. Then saying how you hope I grow out of this depression or suicidal thoughts was hurtful. This is when you educate yourself on the topic, before making “opinions.” If I could grow out of depression, then I wouldn’t have been going through it for almost 14 years. You don’t know much about my childhood and the things I had to experience and you don’t know the things I’ve had done to me, so you can’t even begin to fathom why I am the way I am. It’s also a mental thing and I’ll never be cured, I can only be stabilized. I can take pills all my life, but I’ll never stop being depressed. I can become content, but i won’t be happy. And that is why what you said hurt me. I felt like you were jumping to conclusions instead of trying to understand me. You were trying to downplay my disorder as if I just make it all up when I don’t choose to live this way. I expected you of all people to provide some type of comfort and to just be someone to lean on, but once again you were distant and colder than ever. You don’t have to apologize that’s fine, but I won’t keep someone in my life who assumes that every time I have a bad day I’m going to go kill myself. I can’t have someone in my life that doesn’t realize the consequences of the words they speak. All the times I made you mad because of things I said I never apologized for what I said, because it’s not my fault you react a certain way to certain words. I apologized for how it made you feel, because I don’t say things that will cause a person to get upset intentionally. That’s the point of an apology. You can say how “right” you feel until the day you die, but that won’t mean anything to me. You may feel right, but the way you handled the situation was totally wrong. You mistake your opinions for fact. Being opinionated doesn’t mean you are always well informed. So, you can take this however you want. But I can’t continue on as everything is normal with you. And with that being said, to be “friends” would be pointless because I would never be able to confide in you or hang out with you. I will barely even talk to you, because it’ll be like “oh what’s he going to say about my life today? Am I being too suicidal? Am i too depressed for his liking today?” Im a better writer than I am a speaker. So there you go…

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