3/19/15 8:00PM 

It feels good to be back at the Pier. I appreciate the beauty of it, but still… I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love the way it makes me feel, but then I hate what it makes me feel. I sit here and stare at the lights across the ocean. Then I remember who was with me the first time I saw it. I was unaware of this sanctuary until my first date with the jerk. It was so pretty, it was close to midnight and the horizon just looked so beautiful. It looked like stars along the sea. I just realized the salmon colored Rebecca Minkoff that I’m carrying this moment is the same bag I wore that day. Who knew that day would make me go through an array of emotions and heartache. I was so happy. I felt like life was heading in a good direction. I thought he was meant to be in my life. Then he ruined me. He made me into this weak person. He made me come out of my shell in a new way, then destroyed me. I felt like such a fool. He opened my heart up. He took something I valued so much, because he told me all the right things. He said the sweetest words which are now the cruelest. He said he wanted to remain friends when we broke up, but now I know it is because he still wanted the sex. I gave into him three times; starting to feel worse each time. I’m not sure why I did it; I really didn’t want it. I never enjoyed sex with him, because he lacks intimacy which is what makes it so powerful. I wanted the compassion so badly. I wanted things I knew he could never give me, yet I kept trying and changing myself in the process. I know I should have no regrets in life, but I wonder how my life would have been if I never let him in. I can’t fathom the idea of a person who made me feel so special and adored now makes me feel like nothing. How can people be so heartless? What could hurt them so much that they have no empathy? I hope to never feel that or have anything lead me to that. I love to love. Most times I love too much to the wrong people. Maybe that’s why I need a dog so badly, so I can illuminate my need to spread love onto he or she. I would care for it as if it were my own. It would be seen as a baby in my eyes. I will nurture it. I think that’s why I adore Tre so very much. I can shine my love onto him. To me, he is my life and I make sure he knows it. He is my moon and my stars (Reference from Game of Thrones). The lights are starting to brighten. I am enjoying this serenity. I really needed this time to declutter my mind. All this ache is a part of the growing pains. Live and learn. Make a mistake and grow from it. Every thing happens for a reason, and maybe it is best to not discover the reason. Maybe finding it would make you hurt even more. The beauty of life, it always leaves you to wondering. 
Freckles (aka my buddha) opened mind to the six Greek types of love. The first is Eros, which is about sexual passion. The lustful stage. I think is the stage of love that a majority of the society gets stuck in.  We think we are “falling in love” when really we are falling in love with the idea of it.
The second stage, Philia, is the type of long that you share with friends on a deeper level. You are loyal, a listening to ear for their emotions, and willing to sacrifice for them.
Ludus, “the playful love.” This stage is basically when you’re out with some girlfriends in a bar and start flirting with the sexy guy next you. It is the flirting stage of love. When you both are just so playful with one another, as if you are kids playing house. That’s a good stage of love to be in, but it isn’t one that someone should be stuck in. This is where you fail to communicate in the proper way as mature adults. I feel like I may get stuck in this part of the cycle. I avoid the seriousness of it all. 
This one is what we all should aim towards, because it is the extension of love to all. Agape is what I desire to be. I want to know that’s it’s okay to share you love with all of mankind.
I long for the long standing relationships known as Pragma. it’s a better connection that you can develop when you take care of a relationship and your only concern is to take time out to protect it. It’s built on trust, commitment, open communication. This is the type of love they portray in movies when they show images of old couples who have been together for decades. It’s such a beautiful thing. I like to believe that love cannot diminish over time. I like to believe that love does not have an endpoint.
Buddhism and the teachings are guiding me to Philautia. The love of self. I want to love myself, I really do but I just feel so incapable. If I was really trying to live a more positive lifestyle then I wouldn’t be so negative towards myself.
My curiosity for the day.

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