3/15/15

10:08AM

it’s so hard to talk to my sister because she always turns against me. If I discuss Raphael with her, I’m the one that’s always in the wrong. I’m not saying he should hate him or always blame him. I just feel like if I feel a certain way about him and how he acts, then she should be on my side. I feel like she doesn’t get me. I feel like my thoughts and actions are constantly being scrutinized by her. She just never sees things from my point of view. There’s no way she can understand where I’m coming from if she doesn’t even try to look at the situation from my perspective. I’m trying to let my sister in. I’m trying to build a bond with her that’s more than her being my savior. Every time I take a step forward, I feel like our talks lead to me taking three leaps back. I just want to be able to tell her everything. I just want a close sisterly bond. If I feel super depressed and have an urge to cut, I want to be able to call her. She’s there for me financially, but not mentally or emotionally. Or maybe she’s right. I’m just “hard to talk to.” I never thought I was, but now that’s going to resonate in my head all day. I’m going to ask everyone I encounter. It just annoys me though that the fact that he is so closed off and disconnected is because I’m hard to talk to. I don’t understand the logic behind that. I’m not sure what makes my sister believe that could actually be the case. Sometimes I wonder why Raphael liked me. Sometimes I think it was just pure attraction. In his eyes, he thought I was so pretty. Even more beautiful when I wore no make up. He viewed me as pure and sacred. I think he just thought I was what he needed in life after his last relationship. Or maybe it’s my insecurities that make me wonder, because I can’t believe that someone would actually like me.
Isn’t it amazing how there is only so many words in the human language, yet those words can tell thousands of stories. I wonder what the first word ever spoken was. I wonder who thought of the meaning behind each word. Who determined what a proper sentence was? Who brought punctuation into language and decided what was right or wrong? Is there any history that revolves around the words we use? Was there anyone back then that made note of it? 
I’m on my meal break. I forced myself to eat pizza. I actually read a few chapters of my book, but I just had the urge to type. I went on a mannequin frenzy and redressed all the mannequins. I love styling. I enjoy putting random pieces together and make magic. I really love when I do something bold. Ever since I was 6, I designed clothes. When I was little, I started out designing ball gowns. I finally moved to all kinds of clothing as I aged. I started taking Freckles advice and taking pictures of all the mannequins I dress. It’ll be nice if I need a portfolio one day. Who knows where life will take me? 
I seriously wouldn’t mind being a stylist during the day and a forensic scientist at night. That would be the perfect life; to do both things I’m passionate about. 
My nails have gotten so long. I just need my hair to grow as quickly. 
I think a lot of people can’t handle my honesty. I don’t feel bad for anything I say. I’m tired of denying things. 
Sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off. I wonder so much. I just want to know everything. I want answers. What am I searching for exactly? Because at the end of the day, it’s as though no answer satisfies me. It just sparks my interest more to get to the underlying cause. I’m a very hard person to please. I think I do make it hard for some people to be in my life. I just hold some people to higher standards and I guess I just need them to step up to the plate? That’s not so good on my part though. I just want to bring out people’s inner self. I just want to experience situations through them. I want their thoughts to be so elegantly expressed that it’s as though I am thinking them. I want to understand.
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