3/14/15

12:07AM

this day has been a day from hell. From the time I woke up, I swear it’s been downhill. Ugh I live with the most disgusting human being ever. She is so trifling. On the plus side, I finally have wifi. WOOT woot! I am sooooo happy! I could literally cry! I can finally watch Netflix and use my laptop. I can finally not go over my data. 
So one of my close friends is older, he’s male, also married. He said he wanted to set me up with his son, which never happened. Kind of a plus, because I wasn’t really feeling him. Anyways, I always viewed this person as family. A role model. Today though, he tried to come onto me via text and it was awkward. I had to take a step back and reread the message like what? I kept bringing up his wife. He’s shown me pictures of the other women he’s cheated on his wife with. All he talks about is wanting something new or leaving his wife. I don’t understand men.

One thing that annoys me is someone who thinks they know everything. Can I just talk about an experience without you telling me I’m wrong? How are you going to tell me about my own life? Were you there? I think not. It makes absolutely no sense.
My gosh I love law and order. I hate when people try to tell me about my career also. I know what I signed up for. I have been planning this since I was seven years old. I can handle it.  I’m going to strive at it. I am so tired of people thinking they know me. I barely even know myself, so screw people who think they know me better than my own self. 
Ever feel so hurt that you can literally feel your heart crumbling to pieces? Yeah, that’s how I feel right now. I feel empty. I should have expected this. I don’t know why i get my hopes up. I don’t even know why I try. I’m never good enough and it’s really fucking annoying. I don’t even know why I bother leaving my house. I should just stay home and read, because there’s nothing for me out here. I’m not worthy. I really want to cry, because I’m sad and because it’s hot as hell. My tears could possibly cool me down. Ugh, just going to go home and lie in my bed. I’m going to contemplate my useless life. I hate everything. I wish I was prettier. I wish someone deemed me worthy. It sucks always being the friend that people go to because they want to fuck your friend. Fuck my genes. 
Finally home. I got into a car accident in the parking lot at work; that was fun. Of course everyone on the highway also decided to drive like idiots. My patience is wearing thin today. I’m supposed to open all doors and windows to air the fumes out from the bombs I released this morning, but I really don’t want bugs or lizards to come into my room. So I guess I’ll just deal. If I die, we all know why. I need to start those diet shakes again. I figured in the mornings I can take the diet pills to fill up. For lunch or a snack, I can drink the diet shakes. After dinner, I’ll take the other diet pills. So hopefully by summer I can be pretty. Food is overrated. I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. I’ll start my workouts again. I just get so mad when I don’t see results fast enough. All I’m asking for is to be attractive. I wish I could look in the mirror and notice me instead of my flaws. I can’t even view myself as a person; I just view myself as a giant mistake. A mistake full of mistakes. My mom always reminds me that she wanted to abort me, but my dad talked her out of it. Sometimes when I’m at my low points, I just wish she would have. All these terrible things I feel just aren’t worth it. I’m tired of pain and disappointment. I just want to be happy. I’m craving happiness. My life is full of doctors visits, constant testing, and therapy sessions. My daily regimen involves endless amount of pills. I stopped taking them all because it was just too much. I used to take 12 just in the morning time. What kind of life is that? My friend has full blown aids, depression, anxiety, and he’s bipolar yet I still have more medications than him. I hide most of my complications from my doctors, because I am exhausted. I’m so tired of being an experiment. The test that made me really say “fuck this” was when I had to drink Zinc in three different textures. Each one coated a different organ. One was milky, the next was kind of like a whipped version, and the last one was the worst. The last cup of zinc was thicker than glue. It was nearly impossible to drink all of it. I wanted to just die. After that I had to get into some machine that looked as though it could be in Star Trek. The machine basically lifts you up then flips you over at an angle. Then the technician goes into another room and takes pictures of your insides. My pee was blue for two days. I felt like I was peeing out smurfs. After that whole experience I stopped going back to the doctor. I ignore all the pain and suffering. Sometimes it gets the best of me, other times I just pop a sleeping pill and sleep it off. I still need to go back and get more blood work done. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t feel like driving to Brandon. I know it’s only 25 minutes from my apartment, but still…
I always provide a psychoanalysis of myself. I’m basically my own therapist. I state my problems, then I go back and tell myself what I’m doing wrong and why I do it. It’s a bit weird if you ask me, because most times I don’t even follow my own advice. 
I’m not even going to lie, I used to think about suicide all the time. I thought my life insurance would lift the financial burden off my parents, but then I realized they can’t get my life insurance if I kill myself. Also, I couldn’t dare hurt Tre. Tre is literally the light of my life. I think of him and I cry. This little boy has made my life somewhat worth it. The only time I’m ever happy is when I’m with my niece and nephew. I miss them. I need to get out of Florida. There’s so much of the world I need to see. I wish I could give Tre everything he needs in life. One day I’ll be able to. One day I’ll be able to buy him a birthday gift that won’t set me back. I’ll be able to buy a plane ticket without stressing about my bills. I have to be a good Aunt for him. I have to show him that life will be good, even though I don’t believe it. Yes, people have it worse than me but damn… My life man.. I want to start a journal to write to Tre. Just in case anything ever happens, I’ll have notes to him to read through his life. If I ever get pregnant, I’m going to make video diaries for my child. Who knows if I’ll even be able to raise my kid? Birth has complications all the time. Who even knows if I can have kids? My immune system is nothing but drugs. The prescribed kind, fyi. I’ve been sitting on the toilet for like 20+ minutes just typing away my thoughts. I should probably get up, but my foot is asleep and hurts when I try to move it. The struggle is very real at this point in time. 
I keep singing, “who’s an idiot? Keyona’s an idiot. Always easily fooled.” I wish I was smart. I’m really not all that. I’m average. If even that. I’m so gullible. I am always a fool. Ha!  I pity myself. 
On another note, I’m making myself eat a real meal. Estoy preparando pollo y arroz de naranja. Baked chicken with red peppers and orange rice. I really dislike cooking rice. I’m trying to watch Law & Order on Netflix. I really don’t have time to keep checking up on my rice. It’s so tedious. I think my tulips are dying. That’s what happens when you buy $5 flowers from Walmart. Assholes don’t even include food and I couldn’t find any at Target. I accidentally broke the petals off one. I want a garden when I’m older. I would not mind looking out my window every day to see tulips, lilies, and hibiscus flowers around my house. Those are my favorite flowers. I like plum blossoms too. Flowers are pretty yet so delicate. They are so fragile. Hearts are like flowers. Hearts and the beauty of how it controls so much is beautiful. But a heart is so fragile. It can be hurt internally from any disease or worst of all, it can be broken. 

“You can die of a broken heart — it’s scientific fact — and my heart has been breaking since that very first day we met. I can feel it now, aching deep behind my rib cage the way it does every time we’re together, beating a desperate rhythm: Love me. Love me. Love me.”

Abby McDonaldGetting Over Garrett Delaney

Ahh the truth. I must read this book. I am Abby. We have all been Abby. Being Abby isn’t fun at all. I hate looking at someone and seeing all the possibilities knowing only I see them. It’s even worse when you see them with someone else and you know that you would treat them better. You just know that you two connect on an entirely different level. Life is a bitch, eh?
Note to self:
When you look in the mirror, what do you want to see: yet another reminder of your hopeless attempt to be the girl of his dreams, or you? The answer should always be you”
Quotes from this book are remarkable!
The less time you spend dreaming up a world of happily ever after, the more time you’ll have to actually live — no evers or afters required.”
So how are we suppose to win? On the one hand, the world tells us that capital-L Love is epic, and all-conquering, and the meaning of everything, but on the other, it drills us with this message that we shouldn’t make any sacrifice or effort to pursue it, because that would make us weak, unempowered, desperate, silly girls.” This is true. Each and every one of us crave love. We fiend for it. Some of us deny it, but deep down we all want it. I know sometimes I hate to admit how badly I want love. I’ll say I’m not searching and I’ll wait for it to come to me. I’m always looking, always waiting. I see something in a lot of people that could make them the one for me. I feel weak when I do admit my desire for love. I should not base the success of my life on whether or not I find love. I speak on this topic quite a lot now that I think about it.
Broken heart syndrome is a real thing. It’s a stress induced cardiomyopathy. It can be caused from a stressful event, a break up, a divorce, or even a good shock. Of course broken heart syndrome is more prevalent in women. I wonder if it’s because most men are heartless fuckers. (No, I’m not bitter.) The signs of broken heart syndrome are similar to a heart attack. It’s so insane. A part of your heart temporarily stops functioning while the rest just continues on. It’s amazing. Bad news can initiate severe short term muscle failure. I’m beyond fascinated by this. My interest was sparked by an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. A woman died of a broken heart after her spouse passed away. I had to research it. I had to discover whether it was true or not. On the plus side, it can be treated. Majority of the people who experience it are fully recovered within weeks. I would love to do a coronary angiography. The doctor uses dye then an x-ray to show your coronary arteries. How amazing would it be to view the inside of your heart?! Oh my gosh! I would totally get the x-ray framed. I do believe heart break is also a neurological thing. The human body is full of infinite discoveries. I wish I could uncover them all. 
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