I really had so many thoughts last night, but I was so exhausted. I probably didn’t even need a sleeping pill, but I was out cold.
Today is my moms birthday. I wish I could give her something, but it’ll have to be late as always. Life is just so stressful man. I took this semester off to focus on my health and get my life together and lately I’ve been putting money before health. I need to take better care of myself. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I’m working 12 days straight and my body is just worn out. I’m so fucking tired of struggling though. I was so set, then I had some slip ups and now I gotta get out of this hole. No one knows how badly the financial struggle is. This shit is ridiculous. And on top of that, I lost my student loans because I chose to take a semester off. I hope it all gets worked out, because I can’t deal.
My jaw hurts so bad. I haven’t been to the dentist in about two years. I tried to chew gum and oh my god. I would say this has to be worse than child birth. I don’t care if I can’t actually compare it, but it’s the most excruciating pain.
I want to move up at work, but then I don’t. I think I want to progress, because I’ve been there so long and some of the duties I take on make me feel as though I should. Then I remember that I’m not trying to be here forever, so what’s the point? But I am sick of working my ass off, and other people getting promoted. I do too fucking much, and I’m tired of being unappreciated. I’m so focused on helping my “team,” and I feel like I’m the only one that views us that way. It’s total bullshit.
I talked to the jerk yesterday. I really don’t get him. It’s like I try to be his friend and it seems as if he still wants more. He keeps talking about how he’s been trying to see me, but plans keep getting screwed up. It’s my fault though. I would rather get money or hang with other people, because I’m tired of the same old thing with him. I don’t know why he’s so lazy either. He only ever wants to stay at home. Sorry, I’m not trying to be trapped in a house watching netflix. I want to do shit. I don’t care if we just sit at a coffee shop or the pier. I can see he’s trying though, and sometimes I feel bad. I told him I don’t have feelings, and I try to keep us strictly on the friend level but I still feel like I’m leading him on somehow. If I wasn’t, then why would he be this way? Or maybe it’s my absence? I don’t chase after anyone. I have nigga tendencies sometimes. But besides that, everyone is replaceable. If it isn’t you, there will surely be another. Keep that mentality and you’ll never settle for less just to have someone. It’s not worth it.
I think the fact that we had sex twice since we broke up doesn’t help either, but that’s stopped because I can’t send him mixed signals. A part of me doesn’t even want him in my life. I just can’t choose. We don’t really connect how I want and I keep saying this over and over again. Then a part of me remembers all the good qualities and good memories. The way he made me laugh, the way he made me feel safe. Maybe I miss those things more than the actual being. I’m not sure. But I figured, I’ll step back from thinking so much about it and just let it happen. If he’s meant to be in my life, then ok I won’t fight it. But if we do end up becoming so distant, then that’s fine too.
One of my problems is that I want an answer for everything. That’s not always possible, but I still try to search for one. I’m always searching for something that isn’t able to be found. I just can’t accept that. I can’t accept that there isn’t a reason or meaning behind every little thing. I know there is, there has to be.
I really have more thoughts I want to express, but I’ve been standing here for three minutes and I really need to start my work. I literally clocked in and just kept typing and typing, then lost track of time. In my mind, there is no such thing as time.