Today has been a good day overall. Some parts of my life are falling apart, but I just say “things have to fall down for better things to grow.” Keeps me anticipating more, because one you hit the bottom you can only go up. I got rid of a negative fake friend and a true friend came back into my life. I’m seriously so grateful Cam is back in my life. It’s like things never changed, and no matter what we do we always have a good time. These are real memories that I will cherish forever. I hope everyone gets to experience this in life. Friendship that’s more like family.
I made M a cake in the shape of a cupcake. Dropping it off was like a movie. It was the funniest thing ever. We were knocking on the door for what seemed like forever. Then I had Cam knock on his window and she was like “man he has a lot of shoes.” We were such creeps. I almost dropped the cake, because I could not stop laughing. Once I realized his bedroom window was actually the next one over, Cam start peeking in. She’s like “oh he’s on the floor, folding clothes.” A part of me wanted to throw the cake and run when he opened the door. It was so awkward on my part, because I didn’t know what to say or do. I just know it bothered me so much that he never had a cake made for him or a party thrown for him. If we are still friends next year, I’ll pay some people to pretend to be friends to come to a birthday party for him. Pathetic or nah? Oh well.
… Continuing my entry about family
I get slightly jealous when I see people who have such a close bond with their family. Maybe I watched too much tv, or fairly tales. Older shows would show families eating dinner together, cooking together, watching tv together, just being all together. When dinner is ready, it gets left on the stove. You eat whenever you feel like eating. My dad goes into his room while my mom goes into the living room. If I’m home, I go into tres room (because my old room is empty). If I ever have kids, I want to be close with them. We don’t have to be best friends, but I want them to feel as though they can always come to me. I couldn’t even tell my dad I had a boyfriend. It took me months to tell my mom and when I did I had her tell my dad. I can’t even build up enough strength to tell my dad about my health issues. He doesn’t know about all the visits to the doctors. He definitely doesn’t know about my psychiatrist and therapist. I wish I could tell him, but I don’t want him to worry. I hide all the prescription bottles. It’s just too much. Me and my dad barely talk. Sitting in a car with him is dreadful. I wish it wasn’t, but I just cannot open up to him. He ruined that for himself. I love him to death and I will always be a daddy’s girl, yet I can’t confide in him. I do know I can always count on him to protect me. What really made me mad though was when I took days off and asked my dad to do the same months in advance. I really wanted him to visit me, so we could spend some time together. My dad never took the days off and never came to visit me. He never comes to visit me. That right there is why it’s so hard for me to try to be closer to him. Whenever I put myself out there, he shows me why I shouldn’t. Sleeping pill is kicking in… Must… Finish… Tomorrow…