Open void

Open void
3/7/15
It feels so good to be writing for myself again. Normally I write my thoughts and feelings, post it on tumblr then delete it from my phone as if the thoughts never ran through my mind. I love that I’m appreciating the words I type. I like to reread the notes and I like to relieve myself as much as needed to get through the day. I feel like my mind goes so fast from topic to topic, that the only way I can slow it down is to type. It gives my brain time to cool it as I process what I want to say and how I want to say it. 
Anyways, my thought of the hour is my loneliness. Why am I so dependent? Why do I find it so hard to be alone? I mean I’ve been alone my whole life. I loved nothing more than to lock myself in my room with nothing but my books to entertain me. In that room, I would experience so much as I lived through the characters I read about. I got to feel what they felt, travel where they traveled and never leave my bed. But enough of that and back to my loneliness. I’m not sure why I went from hating cuddling and hating anyone being within a foot of me to wanting to be held. There’s nothing more comforting than being in someone’s arms. It’s like a safety net. You feel so warm and protected. It doesn’t matter who it is really, a hug is always good. Its such a simple act that holds so much power. And I think I’ve started to adapt to the idea of cuddling because I love feeling the heart beat of the person I’m with. I like to feel them breathing. I want to feel their chest move poetically against my flesh. It’s a beautiful thing. I want to know that when they put their arm around me, they are sending a message saying they will always be here for me. You can’t just cuddle with anyone. I mean, you can but its not as intimate. You know they’re just a placeholder for the night and that when you wake up, it’ll all mean nothing and you both continue on. Ugh! And I miss having my hair played with. I’m slightly like a child still. I used to always fall asleep in my moms lap as she had me sit on the floor while she did my hair. I was so tender headed it was the only way I could get through having my hair done without crying murder. It’s one of the rare memories I have of my mom as a child. You would think she was no longer in my life because of that comment. She is…. She just wasn’t then. At least not from my perspective. A lot of my life has been blocked out here and there. I’m still trying to restore memories, but that’s a topic for another day. Back to my hair rubs. There’s nothing more soothing than resting next to someone and feeling their fingers entangle in your hair. Literally, the fingers get tangled because my hair is a curly mess. But every so often, a finger or two might actually be able to stroke through a few strands without getting trapped by my wild curls. 
 I really want to go to the beach, but at night. The beach at night is completely different than the beach during the day. At night, you’re not over crowded by people or birds that terrify you because they will attack you for a chip. I’ve been to the beach at night once though with people who are no longer in my life. Regardless, it is still one of the best nights of my life. Even though I was there with two people, I felt as though I was in solitude. I felt at peace. I remember the day perfectly and the terrible outfit I wore as well. Gosh, how things have changed for the better because my wardrobe was going through some things. Back to the story, I listened to the sounds of the waves and stared out into the darkness. I loved that it was so dark that I couldn’t even see the horizon. I couldn’t see the separation of the night sky and the open sea. It felt endless. The sensation from the cold water rushing against my feet sent Sparks of joy up my spine. I felt like I could walk into the sea and float (because I don’t swim. Way too much work, like all that exerted energy to barely move) on forever and ever. I want to relive that. I want to lie on a blanket and stare at the stars above, and feel the mist of the ocean water hitting my face as the wind blows. I want to hear the sounds of the waves hitting the shore. But since I have the worst PTSD and am so terrified of going out at night alone, that probably won’t happen again. I can dream though. When my therapist told me to choose a place for my sanctuary, I chose a memory and not so much the place. When I feel my anxiety growing more intensely or she tells me to go to my sanctuary during the EDMR treatment I think back to that night. I think back to spinning around with the ocean to my calves and kicking up water with my feet. I remember holding my arms out and just soaking it all in. That is the only time I was in silence and appreciated it for what it was. That was the only time I felt as one with nature. That was about three years ago. On that night, I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t worrying about skipping meals. I wasn’t worrying about money. I was living. I was truly living in the moment. Also sex on the beach would be as good as the drink. 
I’m so silent on the outside, but within my head I talk so dang much. My gosh. Maybe this is why I always skip the actual typing it out part because I could do this all day. I could go on forever about nothing. All I ate today was four bites from an almond croissant. It was so nasty. I really tried to make myself eat it but the inside was so gooey and weird, but I feel smaller. I wonder if I lost any weight. I hate the scale. I hate how the numbers make me feel. I let them define me and control my mood. Fuck the numbers, I just want to get to a point where I accept myself. Then I think, if I can’t accept myself now then how do I know if I will ever accept myself? There’s always going to be flaws, but my entire body is a giant one. I have hobbit feet (says Charles), im like a giant blob of fat, my head is huge af (thanks dad), I have terrible OCD where I pick my skin off, my boobs are so ugly (but I hate all boobs and genitals. They all look creepy af), and my hair is half damaged. What do I have physically that could actually attract someone? You know how you walk by someone and you just can’t help but look at them and notice how attractive they are.. I want someone to do that for me. I want someone to notice me walking by shyly and catch a glimpse of my eyes and see all the love I’m willing to give. I want someone to notice the smile im struggling to show. I want someone to notice minor details of me and be attracted to me because of that. I live in La-La land. Always been a dreamer, but then I become a realist and remind myself all of these things are scenarios that’ll never happen. My life isn’t a movie or a romance novel. 
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